Can it really be three years since the early morning that Mom slipped peacefully from this earthly realm into the eternal one staring wide-eyed at something, likely someone, I still wish I could have seen?
Yet, on the other hand, it seems so long ago that my days were filled with waking her for her morning meds before I left for work, coming home at noon to try to entice her to eat something for lunch and make sure she had taken her mid-day meds, and making sure to get away from work before
too late so that I could get home and get her dinner before she was too tired to eat anything. I would then do whatever else she needed before heading "downstairs" to "my quarters" to start going through mail and email and whatever else needed to be done. In a bit, she would call down from the stairwell and I would go back upstairs to go through our evening ritual of teasing and loving on each other and get her tucked in for the night.
Of course, that ritual was somewhat interupted for the last few months of her life. I will always be grateful to God for the fact that she recovered from the bleed and was able to "come back home" for the last month or so. And those last 2.5 days with just the two of us there, though difficult, will always be precious to me.
Tonight I went to Red Lobster, a place we frequented, to relax and reflect and think about her. In retrospect, I'm sure not whether or not it was a good idea. I'm sure the waitress wondered why I was teary. Fortunately, she never asked. If she had, I would have probably lost it completely! :)
Sometime within the last few months before the bleed, we had one of those deep, heart-to-heart talks. As I suspected, she was concerned about what would happen to me when she was "gone" and I was "left all alone." I assured her that I would "be okay," but added that I sure would miss her. Little did I realize just how much!
When she would mention it again after that initial conversation, she would always add that she knew God would take care of me. And, yes, He always does!
I feel privileged that she did move here with me so that I could care for her in those last years.
I am grateful that I could be home with her the last month (though I thought it was just for rehab) and, particularly, there with her those last few days, hours, and minutes.
She had been with my brother when he, likewise, passed away in the early morning hours more than 18 years before she did.
Unfortunately, no one was with Pappy (my Dad) when he also slipped away in the early morning hours. It still saddens me that there was no family or loved one there with him. He died as he had lived much of his life - alone.
[For those who do not know, Dad suffered a stroke three weeks before he died that had left him in a coma. He had been moved just three days before from the hospital in Tallahassee to a nursing home that was about 50 miles away. They called Mom in the middle of the night, but she could no longer see to drive at night, there was no one she felt she could call to ask to take her, and it was too far to be able to get a cab. She was waiting for daybreak to go, but he did not make it that long.
As for being alone much of his life - much of his career in road construction he traveled with the job and only came home on the weekends that he didn't work on Saturday. Given the expense of long-distance calling back then, he would usually only call home once a week - on Saturday night. Since he would have to go to a pay phone to call, we would always make sure to be there at the time we knew he would call.]
So, as I said, I am not sure if going, sitting alone, and reflecting on Mom and the rest of my family was a good thing to do or not. But, I don't ever want to forget them, so I will choose to believe that it is something I should do "upon occasion" - and today was such an occasion.
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For those of you who have loved ones around you - or maybe not so close by - be sure to hug them, kiss them, and tell them you love them every chance you get. Be grateful every time they are "there for you" - and try your best to be there for them.
The things I regret are not having given up something to do something for Mom, but rather all the times that I thought what I wanted or needed to do (including working late!) was more important than being there with and for her.
For those, like me, who do not have anyone (and I know that some of you are in that category), open your heart to whomever God puts in your path, even if they cannot or simply do not ever return it. I don't believe it is possible to ever regret loving someone, even if they scorn our love or handle it abusively. After all, if we "love" someone only because they "love us back" then we really do not understand love.
Because ...
- Love is patient
- Love is kind
- Love does not envy
- Love does not boast
- Love is not proud
- Love is not rude
- Love is not self-seeking
- Love is not easily angered
- Love keeps no record of wrongs
- Love does not delight in evil
- Love rejoices in the truth
- Love always protects
- Love always trusts
- Love always hopes
- Love always perseveres
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
